Monday, February 28, 2011

it's all blueprint, it must be easy...

I was in line at the bank this weekend listening to old men talk about how it sucks that people are revolting in Libya because that means their gas prices are going up. "I'm for freedom fighters and all, but I gotta fill my gas tank too."

I couldn't shake the depression this weekend, forcing myself to not be alone with my unproductive thoughts, not wanting to explain and articulate because my jaw is sore and I wonder if I'm just adding to the noise, if I've been doing it wrong, if what seems to make sense now will be something I will regret later.

Because I can't play these games of ladder climbing and career hopping and what people call love but usually ends up being a total mess full of regret. I'm just not interested in dealing with that. I can't compete and it doesn't look fun or fulfilling. I've got no debt, I can sustain myself and have enough to share, I've got creative outlets and spiritual sustenance. I wonder if I'm crazy for not trying harder, if I'm just another slacker wasting my life like all the burnouts I used to hang with, or if this kind of race is even the one I should bother running.

"I'm not playing with you / I clean forgot how to play....we'll draw a blueprint, it must be easy, it's just a matter of knowing when to say no or yes. frustrating, frustrating, always waiting for the bigger axe to fall.

a patient game that i can't find my way to play. never mind what's been selling, it's what you're buying and receiving undefiled..."


Anonymous said...

slackers are people who won't/can't grow-up and that's just not your way of being in the world so unless there is some deep care/passion that you are avoiding than trying to live a life that makes sense to you, that doesn't cost you your sanity/soul is an achievement to feel proud of.
as long as you don't lose your connections to what/who moves you than you should be fine. are you down from feeling too much or not enough?

Randal Graves said...

Sounds like someone doesn't want to work for the American Dream. Long hours at the beck & call of jerks while visions of ever-increasing debit spinning your skull not worth it? Slacker.