We all have our news cycle crack, and juicy gossip and drama draw us mere mortals like moths to flames or flies to honey.
For some of us, it's Justin Bieber or Kim Kardashian, and for others of us, it's our favorite World Leaders Fo' Real, as opposed to Stipe & Co's World Leader Pretends. I'm glad I'm not the only one gets immense entertainment from the antics of men with golden guns, scams involving black magic in Dubai, awkwardly gangsta heads of state, geopolitical bros before hos, and rantings about The Kleenex, The Facebook, and The Twitter from a former Reagan-era bad boy who's entered more into Crazy Uncle status, with his night nurse, fabulous fashion sense, and musings on the state of the world.
Thanks to Warner Brothers being lametastic, there is no accompanying music for those of us who reserve our Western Imperialistic Stooge ambition upon the Risk! board or the fantasy realms of D&D to the accompaniment of said college-rockers extraordinaire. Instead, I give you Michael Stipe wearing more eyeshadow than I've ever applied on my face in my life.
REM was awesome around the time that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles hit the cartoon circuit, captivating the hearts and minds of many an aged Millenial. While my cousins and I never thought to tie decorative pillows on our backs to approximate the carapaces of our heroes, we did tie scarves around our heads and run around our dark basements fighting theoretical crime in the sewers.
I never found April as exciting because her yellow jumpsuit was way dorky and it seemed like she was always getting kidnapped and that's not as fun as being a pizza-eating ninja turtle. Google-imaging her is a perilous task because she seems to have quite a hentai fanboy following.
Though, with the exception of hair color, it turns out we're more similar than previously thought. She's supposedly working on a Great American Novel too.
TMNT did, however, introduce the word "Cowabunga!" into our vocabulary and also the existence of Italian Renaissance artists, who ultimately became much more interesting over time. Now, "bunga" conjures up a different kind of party that involves something other than pizza, though there is still an Italian component and a megalomaniacal bad guy with Mafia connections and a media empire who likes to hang out with other evil dudes.
Also, I can't help but notice a similiar complexion between Mr. Boehner and Mr. Bunga-Bunga.
Forget the Red-Headed League of Holmes & Watson, who else is going to be joining the Brotherhood of the Orange Skin?
In other news, the rest of the world needs to review their geography so they know where the Middle East is and what countries it encompasses.