Thursday, February 3, 2011

best of the blotter 33: Slim Jims, Tuna, and Ho-Hos

SUSPICION, DETROIT AVENUE: A woman called police at 3:18 p.m. Jan. 26 and said a group of juveniles were sniffing something out of a brown paper bag. The juveniles were tracked down and the contents of the bag turned out to be tuna fish sandwiches. Officers advised the hungry kids and sent them on their way.

POSESSION OF MARIJUANA, MORTON AVENUE: On Jan. 28 tenants complained to police about a strong smell of marijuana emanating from one of the apartments. Upon arrival police were immediately struck by the smell in the hallway. They were able to locate the apartment. A male answered the door and without hesitation gave the police his marijuana. He told police he only buys the best. The 21-year-old male and his roommate were cited for misdemeanor possession of marijuana.

SCREAMING, BRYNMAR: Police responded to a Brynmar Lane home after a report that a woman could be heard screaming inside the residence. An officer spoke with the woman, who said she was upset because she could not remember the passwords for her computer. No charges were filed.

DISORDERLY CONDUCT, MAPLECREST AVENUE: A Parma boy, 17, was arrested at 10:22 p.m. Saturday after he was seen jumping repeatedly off the roof of an attached garage.
When police arrived, the boy was lying on the garage roof. He told police he had been playing a game of “manhunt.”

Police said the boy had been drinking.

SUSPICIOUS PERSON, CHAGRIN RIVER ROAD: At 1:05 p.m. Jan. 6, police received a call about a suspicious person looking through the recycle bin at the post office, 1500 Chagrin River Road. Police arrived to find a woman, 82, of Chesterland, looking in the bin. The woman told police she was looking for a bill she had mistakenly discarded.

NO TAIL LIGHTS: A driver was pulled over Jan. 19 on Medina Road for not having tail lights. He then lied to the officer several times, giving them a false first name and misspelling it, and claiming he did not know his birthday or Social Security number because he was “bad at math.”

THEFT, CHAGRIN BOULEVARD: The C.E.O. of Perfusion Solution, Inc. reported on Jan. 20 the theft of a $20,000 artificial heart and various blood pump parts valued at $10,000.

THEFT, LORAIN ROAD: A Speedway gas station employee contacted police on Jan. 18 when someone stole $67 worth of Slim Jims.

DISORDERLY CONDUCT, EAST WASHINGTON STREET: Moreland Hills police reported at 2:40 a.m. Sunday that a “highly intoxicated male” was walking from the BP Station. When Chagrin Falls police caught up with him, “he appeared to have an entire package of beef jerky in his mouth,” and was reluctant to give his name and address. When police told him he needed to cooperate or face charges he said he was hungry and his mother was “Martha Washington.” The South Russell man, 24, was later picked up at the police station by his parents.

HO HO BROUHAHA, BRANDYWINE: A 37-year-old male and his 30-year-old niece, who lived with their mother and grandmother, respectively, began arguing over a box of Ho Hos on Jan. 25. The homeowner became annoyed with the two adults and called police to the Brandywine Drive home. An officer responded around 10:55 p.m. and told both offenders to start acting like adults.

IDENTITY FRAUD, MARKS ROAD: A woman reported being the victim of an Internet scam at 6:38 p.m. Jan. 15. According to the victim, after posting her resume on, she began receiving e-mails from a “Jane Wilson” from a company called “International Commodity Trading.” The victim was promised a job as a purchasing manager with the company, allegedly based out of Switzerland.

The victim was instructed to wire money for advertising materials to an address in Ukraine, then was allegedly threatened by “Wilson” when she failed to do so. “Wilson” reportedly told the victim to find a way to wire the money or “a couple guys from eastern Europe Mafia” would visit her at her home address.


Randal Graves said...

First, it's tuna, the gateway sniff, then it's glue, gasoline and turpentine. I just hope they only buy the best.

Bros before ho-hos.

Diamond Z's now involved in identity fraud? Yikes.

Anonymous said...

"bad at math" is genius, as for the heart sounds like a dr.frankenstein sighting, surely there is a novel in these stories...

thatgirl said...

half of what I write is so I can remember it later... I know there's so much story here that I'm not even getting.

That heart one and the tuna one really got me this week.

Anonymous said...

I was teasing a bit about the novel, the truth is that you have a real talent for the kind of writing that with a bit more fleshing out could be excellent essays, which is one of my favorite forms of writing ,tho I imagine not as romantic as writing the next great american novel.