Thursday, July 28, 2011

Shooting Fish in a Barrel

We Single Ladies are working the late shift and while I could be working on the next Great American Rust Belt Novel, we are instead snarking at the dudes on PlentyOfFish. Now, I'm not well-versed in the Arts of Love, but the men of My Fair City really need to step up their game unless they're looking for a fellow trainwreck or hookup.

Saying you're looking for a serious relationship while having your arms around two skanky chicks, not being able to spell, posing with a bottle of Jaeger or your theoretical motorcycle or showing off your bad tribal tattoos, sporting your best Affliction duds if you're wearing anything (because showing that much skin is not nearly as attractive to us as vice versa).

A visitor from another planet would assume that all of the male species in Clevelandia were either pale future mass murderers living in their parents' basement or fratboy bro types who listen to way too much Sublime. A little awkwardness is understandable, but Vulgar Displays of Douchebaggery were all too many. Take a look at these cybertastic pickup lines:

People call me Andrew, but you can call me tonight

Looking for a good-hearted women

Do you like pudding? I sure do!

Looking for someone to heal my heart

I'm all over the place, search engine that!

More than humpin'

Some of my well-intentioned relatives have asked me why I haven't tried the Internet in order to find my future soulmate but this along with the anecdotals of my friends, gives me every reason to believe that my gut feeling that such an idea is bad is definitely accurate.


Anonymous said...

well if you decide to go the memoir route "visitor from another planet" would be a good title, or maybe "loving the alien" as a bowie homage

Randal Graves said...

What has bunga-bunga ever done to you?

Dear fellow dudes, don't be douchey.