sappy and sapped

Too tired and uninspired to make anything of beauty, falling asleep on the couch, in the hot apartment, waking up sleepy, ignoring the ringing phone, because as much as I enjoy company on my sojourns through the city, I don't like the ambiguity of that particular companionship.

It wasn't easier when we were younger, as we were all more awkward and sometimes more obnoxious, but as we head towards our thirties, "just hanging out" gets more complicated, because we're all starting to wonder what the future holds and those interactions become more rare because everyone starts pairing off, and we're less likely to bother if we don't think it's going anywhere.

My platonic friendships have brought more joy and enrichment to my life than any time I've dated someone, which has never really gone well, and also why I don't like that scene, because it seems like a terrible way to get to know someone. These attempts usually dissolved quietly with a mutual understanding. We both knew by the end of a meal or the end of the first week that we weren't going to call each other, that there would ultimately be irreconcilable differences, we really didn't click and it was pointless to try and make something work that wasn't and found that as we got to know each other, we really didn't like each other very much.



Sometimes it seems easier to be just friends with those with for whatever reason you know that nothing will happen with because then nothing's going to happen and you worry less about looking stupid because you're laughing too hard or doing things together that you already enjoy doing by yourself.

And there are times I wish that things were more codified, because how was I supposed to know it was a date when I didn't bother to pretty up, got there by myself and paid for my own food and we just talked about music the whole time? Does us going to see a band together mean something more to him than it does to me? What did I say or do that made it look like I was interested when I wasn't? Do we just see what we want to see when it comes to our interactions with others? Are any chances of connection as remote and unrealistic as peace in the Middle East? It feels like it.

I feel the brain drain acutely as I put my roots down further, when I see the ones with promise migrating to bigger and brighter places full of doubtless beautiful Bright Young Things, when the social circles don't get any wider as many places as I go, and to be honest, there just aren't a whole lot of other likeminded souls, period, who crave the spiritual in a way that's neither halfhearted or dippy nor sanctimoniously dogmatic, care a lot but haven't forgotten how to laugh, and have a healthy curiosity about everything and an appreciation for beauty.

So many times in church culture it seemed like there was all these lectures about how to be a good woman, but there was always less about men being men, so I see either a weakness that's irritating and pushoverish or a Type A manly manliness that can't handle someone with a strong mind who has a hard time shutting up, and I can't respect either.

So many of the amazing girls I know settle for less and try to justify it, and that's just not the way I do things. I'm content most of the time, because I get to do a lot of stuff I enjoy doing, but to be honest, I'm not sure if I want it to be like this forever.