Friday, November 25, 2011

there can be no other means to the end...

A year older and I look in the mirror and the lines across my forehead and between my eyes get deeper, the smile lines at the end of my eyes more defined, and everyone's way more excited that I came into the world almost three decades ago than I am, and I'm able to distract myself long enough that it lifts the cloud of melancholia for a few hours before it settles in again.

There are feelings so strong that I feel paralyzed, even if I know they're not completely grounded in reality, that heavy sense of failure, of mediocrity, of trappedness, of being alone and unloved. I know it's not due to a lack of anything. I have everything I need and enough to share, and I lived with six roommates and dated people and felt the same as I do coming home to an empty apartment,looking at other places to live and feeling the economic constraint of underemployment, of wondering if life will always be like this, fighting off the loneliness, despairing over the creative arts in search of catharsis, the endless dark nights of the soul. I've done everything I can, and I don't know what else to do.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

keep doing the things that feed yer soul and ask for help as needed.

Randal Graves said...

Boy, now I feel bad for sending that Simpsons clip.

Just as today is a day between ice ages, tomorrow is a day between depressions. Hey, at least you don't have any grey.

Anonymous said...

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/11/26/arts/music/fugazi-live-series-a-post-punk-bands-archive-of-shows.html?_r=1

emilylhauserinmyhead said...

I know this paralysis, and I know this sense of failure, and I send you hugs, and tea, and no good advice, but hope that it passes.