Friday, April 22, 2011

introversion/reconversion

Attempts at finding sanctuary thwarted by sundry fish fries and baptisms, I couldn't bring myself to mumble along with the faithful and made an exit halfway through the mass at some church I'd never seen the inside of before, ended up at the usual coffeeshop haunt with a journal and the laptop and tea now alone here.

My eyes tired and soul restless, scrawling letters to God in ink... adoration and questions and longing that barely makes sense when it hits the page, but to be known better than to know myself is a reassuring thing.

I could be out and among, but sometimes the solitude feels like the best place to exist, that place of safety. There's a part of me that fears closeness, because of all the bridges that seem to get burned in ways I can't explain, knowing that the last few times I was less wrong than I've been before, but knowing that there's still ash where connecting once was, that this is just part of life, and at least there is no bitterness on my end, learning to accept that as much as I long to make things right, to begin again, that there are endings, and I wonder how many more times things like this will happen.

I don't even want to begin sometimes because the ending seems so inevitable and when he calls up out of the blue saying we should hang out again, I hope that we don't because even though nothing's started, I just don't want it to go anywhere. It was hard enough watching things fall apart with people I lived with, I sure as hell don't want to get my heart torn up over nothing. I'm a bundle of raw nerves with a hemorrhaging heart and a soul that's equal parts wide-eyed wonder and cynicism. It's easier to watch from afar.

Is the lack of feeling a thicker skin or an emotional amputation? I wish I knew.

3 comments:

Randal Graves said...

St. Chuck's, strangely, always had a tasty fish fry.

It's hard coming up with snark when you're giving us a soul-peek. Don't make me put you on my Nixon's list.

Anonymous said...

as you find your way in other areas of your life that will translate into your personal relationships so keep doing what you're doing there is no rushing maturity (which is part of why so few people grow up) even if it can be hard to be alone sometimes.
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/23/us/23graffiti.html?_r=1

thatgirl said...

@Randal,
Life is full of challenges, no? Church carnivals, especially when there are wheels of cheese involved, are an awesome thing, though the irony of liturgically sanctioned gambling is another one of the reasons why I'm no longer beholden to the Holy See.

@dmf,
the process is crazy but always good, and good graffiti almost always rocks my world, though lately it's been hard to come by in these parts.