Monday, April 19, 2010

where did the love go?

I went to a wedding shower yesterday, something that in a previous time would have freaked me out because I have a hard time with high levels of estrogen, large groups of women, and having to dress up. But, it was for someone who's pretty much family, and I do think the guy she's marrying is good and worthy of being an almost in-law.

Wedding season has officially begun, as April-September are full of lavish invitations and awkward social situations. I avoid the spiked punch and drink coffee, thankful that I feel invisible in this sea of mostly strangers. And I'm really happy for them, but then I think about most of the other weddings I've been to in the past couple years where it just seems like things went south so fast. Not that this will be one of them, but one of those realities of adulthood is starting to set in.

I used to wonder how half of all marriages end, and now I'm starting to see it more and more. It seems like all over, everyone's separating, splitting, breaking up, and it gets hard when you see people that you love not love each other anymore or at least not enough to try.

There's the ones whose wedding you were waiting for who aren't talking to each other now, and then the ones who are settling because "they're not getting any younger." And then there's the ones who stick together just because it's too much of a hassle to split. Or the people I aspired to be when I was younger, who were just so awesome and seemingly so perfect for each other and doing all these great things, and then you find out and so-and-so was cheating or so-and-so was drinking and drugging and faking this thing that wasn't, and it's hard not to get cynical after awhile.

And I'm skittish about relationships because I know my imperfections and when I get to know this guy or that, I realize that I don't like them very much, someone will say something ignorant or they either are controlling or want a babysitter. Usually I don't even get to the point of dating because when I find that when I get to know someone as "just friends," dating is out of the question because I see things that I just know I couldn't live with.

I don't want to deal with the types who are always talking about how hot someone else is, or who wonder why I can't be more feminine, or the two extremes of caring way too much to the point they can't laugh, or not caring at all or having any sense of compassion because having fun is what's important.

That being said, I'm not sure I really care about "finding that special person," so to speak. Not because I feel unworthy or don't think that good people exist. It's just that it seems like there's so much heartache that's much easier to avoid, and it's not what's been given to me right now.

I was talking about that this week with a friend of mine, and realized that I don't care so much about a spouse, house, or kids, but knowing that I can't live with roommates forever, and what bothers me more is the thought of eating dinner by myself every night, of being left out of the social circle when everyone else is married, or not having another companion for my adventures. I guess that's what it really comes down to for me. Maybe I'm in denial, or maybe that will change, and I'm probably not trusting God with this as much as I should be but right now, that's where it's at.

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