We had a family party last night, everyone converging at my parents' house for fried chicken and pumpkin pie and hanging out and afterwards I crashed on a friend's couch because it just felt better being there. It felt good to laugh and just be with others.
It's hard for me to be in the apartment all alone, and I have to admit that sometimes I cry for no coherent reason, and I've just been out everywhere I can be to be away from the jumble in my living room and all the brokenness it represents. I went shopping with my sister, aunt, and mom, and the only thing I could think of looking at all these things was the pile of life's possessions sitting in my living room.
I moved out in 2007 loading everything in the back of the Sexy Saturn wagon, and now, well, I have furniture and stuff. I can't imagine enough stability to really bother with anything nice and it just doesn't interest me even though I am excited that my dad is passing on his giant 70's era stereo speakers that his brother built and covered with aqua green fabric.
And fall is beautiful especially when the light is golden and the weather is one last gasp of beautiful before the inevitable onset of rain and cold. Edgewater with its waves and trees is so perfect for contemplation as I can sit there and not feel weird for just staying there awhile.
Thankfully tonight wasn't as lonely as it could have been. My friend that I reconnected with a couple days ago needed some help with his English 101 assignments so I packed boxes while he did his homework at the kitchen table and I had to remember how to structure paragraphs, explain sentence structure, and all the writing I did in college as we end up in layman's linguistics as far as the mixed-up-ness of Kiswahili and English and he talked about how the longer he's here the more he feels like he's losing his connection with home.
And I'm here, in that purgatory of waiting and longing, wondering what I even want anymore besides God because that's about the only sure thing. Everything seems to fall apart so quickly and I'm getting to the point where I wonder if it was ever together to begin with.