My playlist this morning might not look like it makes sense on paper, but it was where I was this morning, reeling from the accumulation of hurt and frustration that's been the story of this past year and especially the past few weeks.
I swayed in the studio, tired from another sleepless night, unable to totally wake up, letting the sounds wash over me of others' sadness and broken hearts... the way that these sounds resonate so much to know that I am not alone in the pain.
I used to think that once I got out of middle school or maybe high school that the drama would dissipate, but that doesn't seem to be the case. Kids might not be making fun of your haircut or your glasses but grown adults still act like children and it's almost worse because you think they'd know better by now.
"We're grown adults and look what we do," one of my friends says, but I mean the "real grownups" who have kids my age and are often grandparents now, but still exist in these us-vs-them paradigms that should have faded long ago. Maybe I'm wrong to think that age and experience really mean anything.
And I hope I don't end up like that, playing people off each other, using and manipulating and wondering why it scares everyone away. I don't want to be always expecting something and never giving, feeling like I'm entitled to anything.
I hate the loneliness that comes when there was once closeness and now there is none, yet your lives are so tangled up with mutual friends and social venues and dynamics that you can't completely extricate yourselves or take a break and wait for the dust to settle. All the shattered families and soured friendships and romances that crashed and burned. I guess it's just the way it is, and the pain and inevitability is to be expected.
neil young - down by the river
jimi hendrix - bleeding heart
the bellrays - tell the lie
sharon jones & the dap-kings - something's changed
funkadelic - you & your folks
afghan whigs - crazy
morphine - scratch
blonde redhead - misery is a butterfly
john frusciante - a song to sing when I'm lonely
U2 - ultraviolet
soulsavers - kingdom of rain
bonobo - stay the same
morcheeba - posthumous / tape loop
lamb - stronger
portishead - wandering stars
lupe fiasco - intruder alert
me'shell ndegeocello - solomon
massive attack - unfinished sympathy
nneka - heartbeat
stephen marley - you're gonna leave
outkast - liberation
mad season - long gone day
johnny cash - God's gonna cut you down
autolux - turnstile blues
radiohead - i might be wrong
twilight singers - papillon