Sunday, December 27, 2009

2010 can't come fast enough

This January first will be wonderful because 2009 will be done. There's been a lot of awesome this year but also just too many things that I just want to leave behind that have left me feeling just a bit jaded and fed up even as I've still been able to maintain some sense of awe and wonder. There was just too much drama and disintegration this year, watching a lot of things unravel and turn ugly, realizing that so many things are not what they appear to be. I've made no New Year's plans except possibly a photography day with the usual suspects but everything has just been too overwhelming.

this Christmas I had almost no "holiday spirit" and have figured it's probably overrated anyway. I did get some sweet gifts for people this time around... a Richard Nixon election bumper sticker for my cousin, a Who poster from a show that my dad went to back in the day, miscellaneous jewelry and CDs and coffee from Gypsy Beans and Ten Thousand Villages.

Ryan and Rebecca came up to visit and despite the unfortunate Greyhound ticket fiasco, it was wonderful to see them and we went to the Rockefeller Greenhouse and the art museum, got coffee at Gypsy, caught up on life, and such. Thankful for these interludes especially in times like these.

I got lost driving out to my cousins' house in Amherst, turning around in endless cul-de-sacs festooned with Christmas lights cursing Google Maps and wondering why I don't mind driving through truly sketchy parts of town but the hinterlands of Lorain County disorient me like nothing else.

I went to midnight mass at St. Ignatius after the festivities on Christmas Eve. I wanted quiet for my weary soul and it was perfect. The church was dark, and the choir was practicing and I sat in the pew soaking in the details of the architecture and enjoying the solitude. The church was packed out by 11:30 and the way that the cold building was lit up by candles held by people from every walk of life singing "Silent Night" was amazing and the building flooded with light as we sing the 'Gloria.'

I haven't been a practicing Catholic since I was in grade school and my family defected for an unconventional evangelicalism but around this time of year, I yearn for Advent candles and reconnecting with that part of my family history even though back in the day no one bothered with midnight mass.

I was exhausted and ducked out during offertory, going back to the place I was housesitting to sleep. Christmas morning was too depressing to recount in gory detail, but things brightened when we got to my grandparents' house and my cousins were there to make me laugh and I could just be embraced and vulnerable.

And that Cavs game was awesome. Seriously. It was priceless watching Kobe have a hissy fit and my team just dominating and being classy. Had a great time and reprised it on Saturday when the rest of the tribe came in.

In between lots of drama and random bright spots and trying to figure out how to deal with people that are literally insane while realizing that yes, I too am susceptible to clinical depression and that I still struggle with trying to drive through snow.

Here's hoping and praying for some brightness.

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