people my age, they don't do the things I do...

I eschewed public transportation for a long walk over the bridge to Tower City, fortified by a cup of coffee and an enchilada, to meet up with Tangerine to watch the Indians play. I'm used to downtown being deserted, and it was until I entered Tower City and there was some kind of art fair thing full of swarovski crystal jewelry, general kitsch, generic skyline photos, and the kind of nonoffensive art that I tend to associate with dentists' offices or corporate lobbies, knowing that what I'm making is just as decent, just that I'm too much of a slacker and slightly afraid to out my creative output outside my small circle.

I forget that the rest of the world does different things on the weekends when I ended up at a birthday celebration at a bar where there was much in the way of bad Top 40, 80's cover bands, and general college bar-ness. My peers drink more in one night than I do in a whole year, and most people were with their significant others so I was able to pay my respects and make a quick exit after doing some general observation and people-watching.

I used to be freaked out by social situations involving all of the above, but one of the wonderful things about getting older is being comfortable in my skin, not feeling like I have to fit in or make conversation, or that there's something wrong with me because I can't wear high heels and don't know what's on TV. I drove home in the rain basking in the sounds of Faith No More, feeling strangely victorious that I'm no longer intimidated and that despite everything, I've come into my own my own way.

One of the problems about living in the rust belt is that it seems like everyone leaves whether they want to or not, opting for either coast, Chicago, Columbus, wherever. Some see themselves as rats abandoning a sinking ship, others love this place but can't find work.

And so I sometimes get bummed out when it seems like I'm one of the only ones who sticks around and it's hard to broaden my circle. It gets so easy to hang out with the same 5 people all the time and hard enough to find other likeminded souls, not to mention that social situations with new people still make me nervous as I always feel like I'll say the wrong thing and screw it all up.

So I end up at a house in Cleveland Heights on Saturday night, knowing a few faces to start with, but meeting a whole new cast of characters that I get the feeling will be a part of my life for the next few years. It's amazing how instant connections can be sometimes and how comfortable groups of some strangers feel, when the conversations are real and no one sees a need to be something they're not.

And knowing that even as small as this city sometimes feels, there are still more people to meet, more places to discover and that keeps me feeling like I made the right decision to stay for the time being...

social slacker.

things that don't really matter...

there are some people my age that i meet and i just assume they're at least four years older than me because they seem so much more "grown up," relatively speaking. it's not necessarily that they've gotten married, or bought a home, but there's this settled-down thing going on that disorients my somewhat freer-spirited self. and what i also find is that a lot of these people tend to hang out with other similarly grounded younger couples as well.

i remember tagging along with a friend to a party similar to this where everyone was drinking wine and smoking cigars in these big suburban homes where everyone knew who you were and no one would talk to you.

they seemed to have crossed that threshold where they start talking about career goals, networking, office gossip or what they bought at wherever or what was on tv last night or "how about those browns/indians/cavs/the weather/the stock market?

while this would be going on, i would wish i had a car so i could go early, retreat to my paints and my colored pencils and my records.

i can bluff my way through this small talk but i just feel disengaged, like we're just going through the motions. there's a linguistic term for this kind of conversational banter but i can't remember what it is to save my life. it probably maintains some sort of social stability.

me and the roommate met up with a friend of ours at a nearby coffeeshop last night and i was standing there watching all these interactions and how everyone plays up how unique and bohemian they all are. i've known some of these people or their backstories from my days of house shows and parties in tremont where you wouldn't even notice that the sun was coming up because you were having such a great time.

but in a way i'm glad that i've never tried to fit into all of that, even if i probably could pass with my musical tastes and my love of anything that involves creativity. when it comes down to it, it's just another exercise in the same kind of thing, that sense of self-importance and a need for advancement.

i just don't want to deal with all the drama and the talk about who's selling out, everyone's myspace pages and drunk text messages. where the scene points and what you're wearing and what cause you're into and who you're hanging with and what you listen to are what define you rather than who you actually are.

i'm to the point where i really don't care who people are or what they do or what political affiliation they have or what kind of music they like because that just matters less and less. i love it when i see the walls that people apart break down. i'm learning more and more not to make assumptions and to seek out others who don't make those judgments upon me based on where i come from or what i believe.

so yeah, i don't know what the point of all that is... but whatever.