small mercies

So I'm driving to the station this morning listening to Dricore's Guru tribute when all the lights on the dashboard go on and the engine dies. So thankful that this didn't happen on the Shoreway or down St. Clair somewhere or whatever. I pushed the car into the lot, played some Fela so I could go and take a look at it, and took it down the street once I got out.

I was really distracted and kind of stressed out so my plans of doing all South African music in honor of Freedom Day didn't happen and I played a lot of 70's west African dance music and vintage sounds from Angola instead and this is the first show I didn't write down a playlist for.

Otherwise, I picked this up on one of my walks to the library and it's rocking my world. Reminds me of Cream or something...

streets

I've spent this past week housesitting for some friends and walking their dog every day after work. While I enjoy my roommate's cat, it's not the same thing as being able to wander the streets and explore with a loyal companion.

I find that I get hit on less (I've never walked fu-fu dogs, they've always been shepherd mixes and in one case, a pit bull), and that I talk to the neighbors more. Love for creatures seems to cut across all the social lines we draw, and on these walks over the past couple years of doing this, I've met a lot of people who are now my neighbors.

And I don't think one gets a sense of the neighborhood by reading about it or driving through, or reducing it to "that's where those yuppies live" or "isn't that the Puerto Rican part of town?" or "Do you ever feel unsafe?"

And yes, these do describe where I live, but so many other things are there too. The guy who painted all those Victorian homes on Franklin Avenue, pickup games of soccer at the rec center, the ice cream stand that sells soft serve and hot dogs, the greasy spoon diners on Lorain, punks on bicycles, Somali girls with gold jewelry and veils, hearing 6 different languages at any given time. People from Liberia, Trinidad, Puerto Rico, Lebanon Vietnam, Burundi, Congo, Russia, the suburbs, the other side of town.

I like having a sense of rootedness and connectedness, knowing the names or at least the faces. Living in Kent was like that for me, walking everywhere and taking in all the small details of my surroundings, and I'm hoping it will be that way here.

where did the love go?

I went to a wedding shower yesterday, something that in a previous time would have freaked me out because I have a hard time with high levels of estrogen, large groups of women, and having to dress up. But, it was for someone who's pretty much family, and I do think the guy she's marrying is good and worthy of being an almost in-law.

Wedding season has officially begun, as April-September are full of lavish invitations and awkward social situations. I avoid the spiked punch and drink coffee, thankful that I feel invisible in this sea of mostly strangers. And I'm really happy for them, but then I think about most of the other weddings I've been to in the past couple years where it just seems like things went south so fast. Not that this will be one of them, but one of those realities of adulthood is starting to set in.

I used to wonder how half of all marriages end, and now I'm starting to see it more and more. It seems like all over, everyone's separating, splitting, breaking up, and it gets hard when you see people that you love not love each other anymore or at least not enough to try.

There's the ones whose wedding you were waiting for who aren't talking to each other now, and then the ones who are settling because "they're not getting any younger." And then there's the ones who stick together just because it's too much of a hassle to split. Or the people I aspired to be when I was younger, who were just so awesome and seemingly so perfect for each other and doing all these great things, and then you find out and so-and-so was cheating or so-and-so was drinking and drugging and faking this thing that wasn't, and it's hard not to get cynical after awhile.

And I'm skittish about relationships because I know my imperfections and when I get to know this guy or that, I realize that I don't like them very much, someone will say something ignorant or they either are controlling or want a babysitter. Usually I don't even get to the point of dating because when I find that when I get to know someone as "just friends," dating is out of the question because I see things that I just know I couldn't live with.

I don't want to deal with the types who are always talking about how hot someone else is, or who wonder why I can't be more feminine, or the two extremes of caring way too much to the point they can't laugh, or not caring at all or having any sense of compassion because having fun is what's important.



That being said, I'm not sure I really care about "finding that special person," so to speak. Not because I feel unworthy or don't think that good people exist. It's just that it seems like there's so much heartache that's much easier to avoid, and it's not what's been given to me right now.

I was talking about that this week with a friend of mine, and realized that I don't care so much about a spouse, house, or kids, but knowing that I can't live with roommates forever, and what bothers me more is the thought of eating dinner by myself every night, of being left out of the social circle when everyone else is married, or not having another companion for my adventures. I guess that's what it really comes down to for me. Maybe I'm in denial, or maybe that will change, and I'm probably not trusting God with this as much as I should be but right now, that's where it's at.

you got me...

I got my hair cut and caught up with a friend of mine Friday night and then just chilled. There's always that initial "my hair is gone" shock I go through but it's so nice to have it shorter again but long enough that I can tie it back if needed.

And thanks to Cleveland Scene, me and a friend got to see the Roots for free on Saturday night down at the lovely Allen Theater. The setlist was almost the same as the last time they came through but it was still a great show.

Our seats were up in the balcony, and at first we were wondering if it'd be not as good since last time we were up so close, but I had a good view of the stage and managed to get some blurry photos without my flash, while trying not to get kicked out by the ushers in red jackets who'd been giving us the side-eye since we got there. It's harder to work at crowd at a venue like that with everyone in seats and such, but the energy was there.





I didn't end up going to the afterparty at the b-side because I'm more of a live music girl than a go to the club person. I've tried the famous dj thing before and it's not me, all those people doing see-and-be-seen. I get a rush off live music, and live for those shivers when it just sounds so good.

I don't ask for much these days...

Getting my hair cut tonight, which makes me nervous, because I've always had a benign neglect policy toward it.

And I scored free tickets for the Roots tomorrow night at the Allen Theater. I saw them last year and loved it, and am looking forward to see what they do this time around...

Other than that, art making, housesitting, bike riding, and all things unexpected...

sweetness

This is pretty awesome.

Broken Fingaz -Graffiti Stop Motion from Broken Fingaz on Vimeo.

when i get older, i will be stronger...

Thankful that tax time comes only once a year because it's no fun and I still don't know who actually contributes money along with what you already owe to entities like "The Political Party Fund." As if they're not already getting enough from us as it is.

The last few months have been ones of struggle, but thankfully I was able to get out and have a really good time last night. I had a free ticket for a show last night at the House of Blues and almost considered not going because I've just been kind of stressed out and wanting small gatherings rather than large crowds, but I was so glad I went.

Loved John Forte's low-key set that reminded me of his affiliates the Fugees, realized I've heard a lot about Wale but not much of his own material, which I also enjoyed, and then K'naan, who I was really looking forward to seeing. He had a full band with him and like the Roots, it felt more like a rock show than I was expecting initially, especially hearing his live record.

They didn't play some of my favorites but his band was tight and he was fantastic. One of the girls we were with wanted to get his autograph and we waited with her and hung out with his band, who were mostly from Columbus and just good people to hang with.



It's a little weird to watch a crowd of suburban white kids (everyone else cleared out after Wale) making out during and singing along to songs about hardship in Mogadishu but hey, if the kids seeing him open up for Jason Mraz gets him a bigger fanbase, more power to him.

I'm glad my companion for shows like these appreciates the music but doesn't do all the crowd participation stuff and we can just be chill. And I'm functioning on maybe 8 hours of sleep for the past two days, but there's something that's been restored in a way that I can't totally explain.