seeing clearly

there's been a lot swirling around me recently, and i was grateful last night for a chance to be in a place free of distractions where i could sit and think and get the right perspective again.

times like that are priceless and essential.

finally beginning to realize that loving the people in my life and being there for them doesn't mean i have to internalize all the extra pain as well. because usually that degenerates into some kind of weird self-absorbed martyr complex that doesn't do anyone any good, really.

also, learning that you yourself cannot 'save' anyone. while you can be a help and encouragement, i'm beginning to understand that much of that is between the person in question and God himself.

life is a beautiful struggle...

this and that and the other thing and feelings that don't make sense and wanting to just crash out and sleep sometimes though there's so much that needs to be done. i wonder if i can even do it right. i'm thankful for the phone calls with my mom, the dinners and mix cds that friends make me, the thinking-of-you messages, and yet all the confusion.

i have radio class again tonight but i'm so tired. i want to change into my jeans and my old shonen knife t-shirt. i've my second lukewarm cup of coffee i'm chugging as i try to remember all 16 color coded music genres in the wcsb library.

i'm taking care of the puppy dogs again this week. i love it there because i have the lights down low, read and sketch, play tug-of-war while talking on the phone, walk the dog.

somehow i'll knock it out, just like i always do. figure out how to love and do and sleep and live and chill and rush.

hard times

one of the things i struggle with the most is that things are really going well for me right now, but they're so incredibly hard for everyone else.

i try to do my best to be there in any way i can, but there is just so much need all around me.

art and life

one of the things i've really enjoyed about where i'm living now is the opportunities i've had to work on art more. there's a balcony out back where i can dry my paintings, a huge table in the living room where i can perch over a canvas, with my colored pencils, acrylic gels, and paints, with the cd player easily within reach.

i've started buying old and poorly painted canvases at yard sales because it's cheaper than purchasing new ones and i don't have the tools to build my own. cover it over with gesso and it's ready to be a new creation, redeemed from past mistakes and well-intentioned ideas that didn't work the first time around.

i think that's been the biggest lesson for me in making art. when i was a kid i used to get frustrated when i'd mess up and i'd cross the entire thing out. or i'd try to copy people instead of developing my own style. what i'm doing probably isn't very original, but it works for me. i'm learning to work around my mistakes, cover over them, that nothing is hopeless and that nearly everything can be recycled.

i've got a couple of projects in the works right now... attempting to collage the scattered codes of our world into something meaningful, and another photo project to occupy myself along with our graffiti expeditions. i'm planning on documenting the various houses of worship in cleveland, whether that's the orthodox church domes along state road, the storefronts on cedar and denison, various temples and strange architecture.

sometimes the same photos of st theodosius or trinity cathedral get a little boring. i'm going to try not and let it be that way.

current painting music: john frusciante's solo work, the first three funkadelic albums, the essential alice in chains, common - like water for chocolate, martina topley-bird - quixotic, the twilight singers - powder burns

radio radio...

my first radio production class is tonight after work. i'm going to be learning how to actually work equipment and stuff, and it seems like it'll be interesting. already mentally selecting stuff that i want to play... this will be interesting.

summer plans

i'm not big into amphitheater shows, but robert plant and alison krauss together, with t-bone burnett backing them up sounds like it will be fantastic.

though, because i'm a cheapskate, i'd love to talk a few people into driving down into the flats with me, parking on the bridge across the way, and having a picnic under the stars.

everything is happening all at once.

and it is beautiful.